How I Raised My Social Intelligence

Bryan Caplan
My social intelligence is a lot higher than it used to be. I stillwouldn't say that I'm "good with people." But in my youth, I wastruly inept. In junior high, I had one real friend, and many overtenemies. Since then, I've at least managed to claw my way up tomediocrity.A lot of social intelligence is in details and practice. If I couldtravel back in time and spend five minutes advising myself, though,here are the principles I would try to teach myself.1. Good conversation is an exchange. The most basic form of socialineptitude is to say what's on your mind, even though you have noreason to believe your listeners are interested. Even more cloddish:Saying what's on your mind, even though you know that your listenersare not interested.In a useful conversation, in contrast, there is a double coincidenceof wants. You have to be interested in what I have to say; I have tobe interested in what you have to say. This is an important reasonwhy people with conventional interests seem more socially intelligent. Even if they don't check whether their audience cares, it probablydoes.I imagine that my teenage self would immediately object, "But no one'sinterested in what I have to say." My two replies: (1) If that'strue, it's still better to keep your thoughts to yourself thanantagonize people you're going to see repeatedly. (2) People will bemuch more interested in your thoughts if you make marginal adjustmentsin topics and presentation.2. Be friendly. It's not just good advice for libertarians; it's goodadvice for people. A strong presumption in favor of kindness andrespect almost never hurts you, and often helps you. Note that I say"presumption." Don't "wait and see" if people deserve friendlytreatment. Hand it out first, no questions asked. You will makefriends (very good), avoid making enemies (good), and occasionallyshow undeserved kindness and respect (only mildly bad).3. Keeping friends is more important than getting your way. Youshould think twice before asking anyone for help. If you still thinkit's a good idea, try to make your request easy to refuse. "How wouldyou feel about..." is much better than "Please, please just do me thisone favor!" In the short-run, of course, the pushy approach is ofteneffective. But life is a repeated game, pushing leads to resentment,and your relationships are more valuable than almost any specificvictory.The world often perceives economists as low in social intelligence.Maybe we are, but there's no reason for it to be that way. Theinsight that good conversation is an exchange should come naturally tothe economically literate. A policy of blanket friendliness ought tomake sense to anyone familiar with weakly dominant strategies. Andonce you realize that asking for help is an implicit intertemporaltrade, the wisdom of restraint and delicacy is easy to see.Admittedly, if your social intelligence has always been high, myrecommendations will strike you as obvious. If they're so obvious,though, why do so many smart people act like don't know them?CATEGORIES: Behavioral Economics and Rationality.